THERE IS LIFE IN DEATH IF YOU SEEK IT

I never used to fast...not because I did not believe in it, but because I have never felt the need to do so.

However, In the beginning of 2013, I felt the Lord calling me to do an Esther fast [3 days of no food and no liquids, not even water] but at the time, I did not have certainty in my heart about it. So, I asked the Lord that He should guide me and confirm His word spoken in my heart. In January my uncle was here from London and one day as we were all talking, he stopped the conversation and said "Denise, the Lord says you must do an Esther fast, cause He wants to talk to you and give you breakthrough". As you can imagine this shook me but now I knew that God wanted me to fast and do the Esther fast. So, I asked the Lord when should I fast as I know that timing is everything because God does things in specific times for specific purposes...and I felt the Lord saying 1-3 February. 

I was nervous and scared to do the fast as I have been getting a vision in which I saw myself sitting on my knees crying before the Lord feeling hopeless and powerless...I was anxious because I thought I will not be able to complete the fast, so I started to intercede for myself and asked the Lord to give me the strength I need to see the fast through and not give up.

Friday 31 January I spoke to my uncle over WhatsApp and he said to me that He was going to fast with me and that he was going to stand up at 05:00 on 1 February to do Bible study and spend time with the Lord...I replied by saying that I was also going to stand up at 05:00 to do Bible study and spend time with the Lord, but time went by and it got later and later and I struggled to fall asleep until it was just past midnight and I thought to myself that if I fall asleep now I am not going to set my alarm and wake up at 5 because I am going to be too tired and besides the later I sleep the less I have to face the no eating and drinking of the fast. So I eventually fell asleep and had a dream...I was dreaming that I took a medicine pill and that I chewed it before I had to swallow it and I remember that in my dream I thought to myself, why am I chewing the pill...I do not chew medicine pills, Dewald my husband does...but I do not and as I was chewing the pill, my mouth got so dry that I woke up because of this. I went to the bathroom to pee and afterwards I went back to bed, but felt the Lord saying look at the time and when I looked at the time I saw that it was 05:05...obviously I realized that the Lord was serious about keeping me to my word and wanting to spend time with me.

So I went and spent time with the Lord and afterwards I went to my mother where I shared with her and my brothers girlfriend what had happened on which my brothers girlfriend said it is a bitter pill to swallow which at that time fell heavily on my ears. The first day of the fast I was fine, but the Saturday morning it started to get to me as I was at a sleepover at my friends house and when we all woke up they had coffee and I couldn't, so I went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth and as I was rinsing my teeth I thought to myself...maybe I must just swallow this little bit of water, no one will see or know and the Lord said to me...

"Denise...I will see, you will know and that is what matters". 

This once again fell very heavily on my heart and I decided not to swallow the water. The day went on and the challenges got heavier and about 18:00 that day even though my mind was fine, my body wasn't anymore ..my body started to pain...every joint and every bone started to pain to the point where I did not have any power in me to move. The following day which was the last day was the most challenging...as I did not have any power left in me and my body felt lifeless at about 22:00 that night I poured myself a bath and as I was laying in the bath I started crying and said to the Lord in my mind "Lord, I know they say when we fast , we should fast and pray...but Lord I do not have any power left in me to pray and besides that, I do not feel like praying as I do not have any energy left in my body". My husband was sitting next to me by the bath and as I was crying he left the room...I later found out that He went to pray for me in the other room, cause it broke his heart to see me like that. I said to the Lord in mind "Lord I can't anymore it is too hard , to which the Lord replied just push through it is almost over". I got out of the bath and I fell asleep and at midnight my husband woke me up to say that the fast is over it is 24:00, this was such a relief for me and now one of the most profound things I have been through in my life as the Lord really opened my eyes to see what He has placed in me and that when I know Him in all things I will stand in awe when I see what I am capable of through HIM THAT GIVES ME STRENGTH.

Now all of you reading this might wonder why? What was the whole purpose of the fast?

Well, like I mentioned above the Lord said to me through my uncle that He wants to give breakthrough and talk to me...and that is exactly what happened. During the fast the one thing I got over and over again was...

"unless there is death, there can not be rebirth of new life". 

At the time of the fast I did not understand why God was giving me this, but I soon realized that the fast was an absolute symbol of what was to come in that year and my walk of faith in general.

The Lord started saying to me that that year was going to be a year of camp at His feet, that my husband and I are going to want to do a lot of things, but we wont be able to because He is going to restrict us...these were hard words to hear, because I knew that hard times were coming and at that time I felt helpless and hopeless because if God is saying that this is what's going to happen and that it is His will where will I go to for help when things get tough, because I know that He is allowing it to happen and obviously for a reason.

As the year went on I soon saw how all that the Lord has said was coming into fulfillment and piece by piece the Lord showed me places where I still had to die to self so that Christ can live in me. The Lord shook foundations that was build over a lifetime of circumstances and hurt which had altered my soul (will, thoughts and emotions). 

The Lord also shared with me through a dream that a broken spirit dries the bones...when He shared this with me, I did not even know that it was scripture. Hence, when I discovered the scripture I was stunned and intrigued to dig deeper into what the scripture meant and in doing so, Holy Spirit revealed to me that when our spirit gets broken [through heartache and pain], it causes a hole which allows the core of who we were meant to be and become in Him to seep out and if we do not get healed then our bones [that which gives us purpose] start to dry up and we are left hollow, lifeless and dead. I realized how much I found purpose and security in my family, friends, husband, finances, work and my way of coping or dealing with problems...but the Lord came and shook every one of those foundations on which I built until all that was left was Him and although the measure of Christ that was left in me was not the fullness of Christ received by me, it was most definitely more of Christ in me than what I had allowed in my heart prior to the fast as I was now able to receive more because there was less of me. 

At the end of the day, He is our purpose we were made by Him, for Him. 

See, the Lord taught me that it is good to have friends, family and a husband that supports and loves you and it is good for me to go to them for help and to love them, but before all of them I should seek Him first because it is only HE and HIS JOY [over us] that gives us PURPOSE and STRENGTH [to carry on], not our own will or joy or those of others. 

The Lord also led me to read the following scripture: 

Hebrews 4:12 Amplified Bible

12 For the word of God is living and active and full of power [making it operative, energizing, and effective]. It is sharper than any two-edged [a]sword, penetrating as far as the division of the [b]soul and spirit [the completeness of a person], and of both joints and marrow [the deepest parts of our nature], exposing and judging the very thoughts and intentions of the heart.

As I was reading the scripture, I was a bit annoyed because I thought to myself but I know what this scripture means why do I have to read it again...yet after I red it the first time, the Lord said that I should read it again to which I replied but Lord, I know what it says. However, I red it and after I red the scripture for the second time the Lord said "Denise, read it again" by now I was so frustrated as I could not understand why the Lord wanted me to read this well know scripture three times over?

BUT, when I red the scripture for the third time I noticed that the scripture did not say what I had heard or understood for so many years as I have always heard that the scripture says the word of God is shaper than a two-edged sword and able to bring division between bone and marrow...However, this is NOT what the scripture says as it says (in short) that the Word of God is sharper than a two-edged sword and able to bring devision between marrow and joint! This is profoundly different and gives a whole new perspective and revelation on what is being said through that scripture...

To say that the word of God is able to bring division between bone and marrow, does not really signify anything as both bone and the marrow within are sustaining agents because the one gives the body structure and the other sustains the structure but both of them are stationary and not able to move in itself but to say that the Word of God is able to bring division between marrow and joint, is to say that His word is so sharp that it will separate what sustains your structure from what moves your structure. Hence the question becomes...

What sustains me and What moves me? 

This revelation really opened up a whole new world for me as I realised in that moment, that I had not yet died to self and that my spirit had been broken for so many years that my bones [life structure] had started to dry out because I was moved by selfish needs and sustained by compromised values due to a broken spirit. Therefore, I first needed to die to self [this was not re-birth in Christ but rather a die to self and a growth of Christ in me, so that He may become more and I may become less] and filled with His Spirit [which can never be broken nor will it ever dry out] so that I may be moved by His heart and not my own.

Many times in life we do things and we say things which we think are good and won't harm us or the people around us yet, if it is not driven by the heart of God we are in danger of falling into a ditch as our life structure are dried out and compromised due to past experiences and trauma that we have undergone and unless we allow the Lord to teach us and fill us with His Spirit we are in danger of leading others into a ditch as well. Therefore, having shared all of the above I would like to encourage every person reading this to sit and ask the Lord whether your life structure  and values [that which sustains you] are compromised and if your spirit is whole [are you moved by Him or are you moved by trauma of past experiences], so that He may guide you in what you need to lay down, let go or give to Him so that He may in return give to you new life, restore your values and heal your spirit by filling you with His. For it is only the JOY of the LORD that gives us strength to press on and do so with a heart filled with compassion, love and selflessness.

I bless you to be a person that does not do what is right only when people see but that you will always do what is noble and right because God sees and you know. I bless you to be a person that will die to self, so that Christ may become more and you may become less for in this selflessness, love and compassion will be born and multiplied for others to taste and see that God is good. I bless you to be a person that will seek God for complete restoration to the point of redemption so that what sustains you in this life and what moves you in this life may only be Him and NOTHING ELSE.

GIVE JESUS YOUR ALL